snOwquEEn

Whew! It's been a year, actually more than a year, since I had written my last blog and now I'm back.

Was scanning through my post, hell, most of it are so dramatic!!! Hahaha, makes me laugh while I'm reading it.

Anyway, a  lot ov good things happened to me.. i can say, for the past year. I'm still w/ the same company.. been here for almost 4 years now and am thinking of resigning sooner or later. I ain't seeing any career growth here. Might consider workin' abroad or perhaps apply for a higher position in another call center. My goodness, am freakin stuck in this call center job!!!! Hmmnn... I probably have to now start thinking of what I really like to do, what is my passion, what are my goals, what are my plans of achieving those... where am I heading.. where is life takin' me? 

Darn, few months I'll be 26.. What have I achieved??? None, still a call center agent.. tech support rep.. what ever you call it! Anyway, i'm still thankfull that I have a job, good paying job and enjoying my friends company. The only reason that I'm still here is just because of my friends.. and ofcourse the "sweldo". 

Lovelife? Oh well, still zero... I just hope my long wait will soon be over. I am, i guess, in love right now. He just doesnt know.. dont have any courage of tellin' him abt it... somethings are better left unsaid... I chose to love him in silence.. be it.

Highlight of my life last year?! I finally had my first kiss.. hehehe.. believe or not.. 25 yrs old.. first kiss.. =) With the man im secretly inlove, only he doesnt know.

I just hope and pray, that this year will be good... career wise, life and love.

Mood: so-so
Song: Love moves (in mysterious ways) by MYMP.

Two months had passed.. up to now he still wont talk to me.. or even attempt to. And up to know i still can let go.. for a moment i thought i did... but as the days passed am realizing that im missin' him more. :cry:

I feel like im stuck in this moment...frozen in time...forever hoping and praying that i'll get over this soon. Im deeply hurt... badly hurting. i dunno what else to do.. am tired of crying..of hoping that he'd comeback... of hoping to see him again and finally have a chance to talk to him again...Im tired of thinking and trying to let go.. of movin on. :cry:

Im hoping that one day when i wake up.. im not thinking of him anymore.. i can tell myself its finally over and I wont feel the pain anymore...

Why is it so hard to let go? Why does it have to be like this? :cry: :cry:

mood today: :cry: need is ay more?
song playin: The Man(woman) i was w/ you

I am wondering at this very minute if you are thinking of me, if like me, you are wondering what is taking us so long to find each other. Many times I thought I finally found you only to be disillusioned by the fact that my wait has not yet ended. I get up each morning hoping, dreaming, longing to meet you.

I am thinking of how we will meet, would it be as romantic as the ones I have seen in movies? Or is it possible that I have known you all my life but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other? Oh how I wish you were here right now because you are the only one who has the answers to all my questions.

Sometimes I ask myself if I have ever really known "love". I do not have the answer to that question either but I believe that, more often than not, we will never really know what love is until we find that right person.... and since I have not found you yet, then maybe I do not really know what love is!

You just don't know how often I dream of finally knowing what it feels like to be in your arms. Even at this very moment I am imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! Perhaps I would be drawn to you by your smile, or your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways!

I don't really know for sure but I am praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes. I think of all the pain that I have gone through in the past and of how much I have cried since the day I began my search. I just wanted you to know that I find my strength in clinging onto my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me --- the life I shall spend with you. In my mind and in my heart I know that you are worth all that pain and sacrifice.

After all, the tears have become a part of my life and I believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that I would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect --- for YOU! I wonder if you've gone through so much pain as well. I wonder if you've been hurt so many times along the journey.

But my dearest one, please don't ever give up because I am right here... patiently waiting for you! I assure you that when we finally find each other I would slowly heal those wounds by my love.

At night, I would look out my window and stare at the beautiful sky, hoping that somehow you are also looking up and wondering about me. I utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above thinking that in time they would reach you. And when I feel impatient, I just close my eyes and believe that you are on your way and that you are longing to see me as well. It is funny but when I finally fall asleep, it is still you that I think of, for you are always in my dreams. It seems that, for now, that is the only place where I can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much I love you. In my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love.

And this, all the more, makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead with the hope that soon enough, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again I am assured that you are worth the wait.

And when that time comes, everything will fall into its place, just as I had imagined, just as I had thought and dreamed, just as I had believed it would be! By then, I would simply look back and smile at all that I have gone through, in spite of the pain and amidst the simple joys of life --- and I would be very thankful because they all led me to you!

In the meantime, take care of yourself for me. Hold on to our dream and don't even think of letting go. Believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions. Don't worry, don't be afraid about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter which one you choose to follow, lead to me .

--R.R.

i heard that he's getting married... w/in this year. i dunno when exactly, all i know is am now a shattered glasses... i feel so broken.... i thought i was over him... why is it that am still hurtin?

dunno how would i react when my friend told me abt it... i pretented that it was nothing to me. that i care less abt the news... but deep down inside it's killing me. i wanted to cry out loud... but i jst kept it inside. pretented t'was nothing...treat it jst an ordinary news. i dont want my friend to see me that i still love him.. that i still am not over him.. i dont want her to see me sad... or see that am hurting so much... see that am slowy dying... i like to pretend that am strong, that soon i'll get over this. people see me laugh and smile... but if they only can see right through me... am broken glasses.. broken into small pieces.

i dunno wut i feel right now.. its like am in dark limbo.. dunno where to go.. w/c road to take... finding my way back home. i dunno where to start movin on.... dunno how to put myself back together.. especially now... i feel that am lost.... have nowhere to return... i feel so lone and sad....i feel so deeply hurt. :cry:

im realizing now, that i have no more hope... am loosing every single hope i have. he's not coming... i will never ever have him back.... there's no more hope for us to get back together. I lost the only happiness i have in my life... the man i have dreamt of sharing my life w/... the man i have dreamt ov growin' old with.... i lost the man i truly love.. he's not coming back... he's taking his own vow w/ the gurl the he loves. i lost my baby.... my muffins... the sweetest thing i have and known. i lost makie.... i lost my own happiness..... the only person, i can say, that i tuly love. :cry:

An e-mail sent to me by a friend.

[b][i]Gazing Up the Sky..[/i][/b]

Whenever I lose a love
Everything before me turns black and white
Even the precious days when we went to the stadium to watch games together
Are now just ho-hum days

Although I'd like to say that I like the things I really like
Even if you're not there

Gazing up the sky so that tears don't trickle down
A flag waving in the wind A yesterday filled with colour
Gazing up the sky I used to speak of my dreams
Having this feeling that no matter how improbable they are they will come true
Oh say it's not such a brilliant lie

Cola I used to always buy in two's
A hand stops in front of the vending machine
Movies nor the prized watch
The week just ended without my having seen them

What in the world has buried
The space I left for you in my heart

Gazing up the sky so that tears don't trickle down
In the bustling town I count the fading stars

Just as things are I think I'll be going somewhere
There's no need to even ask for your schedule

One must decide on the important things himself
You always told me so I shall never forget

Gazing up the sky now let's tell dreams
So that even if I'm alone I won't lose my way
Gazing up the sky so that tears don't trickle down
It's also coming this year my favorite season
Hurry and let's meet my new self..

Here's a touching e-mail sent to me by makie...kakaiyak.

[[i]u]Love Is Still You[/u] [/i]

The distance, the time and the circumstances have not changed my heart a bit.For you, it may not be me now. But I don't care. Nothing is bound to cause a change of heart. Not with me. Not when I when I have chosen. Not when I have loved.

I still play the cards--trying to ask what is past and foretell what is to come. It has been a long, long time since I saw that smile..and gaze at those deep, blue eyes. I wish I had the courage to tell you things I knew you would love to hear. But I did not. I let the moment passed.

I could not blame the circumstances. I could only blame myself. The long absence made me realize how I truly missed you. I am impulsive. I know it was on impulse when I decided to go away. It was too late to realize it was wrong to act the way I did. Perhaps it wasn't just that. May be a lot more. Perhaps it was pride -- my pride -- but I was not aware.

It is still you. It is not another love; certainly not another "you". Love is still being with you -- being alone with you. It is being speechless at times -- merely looking at you. It is wanting to be with you always. It is being away yet thinking of you...missing you...and loving you all the more.
:cry:

well just like tamia's song, am officially missin' makie... i really am missin him so much :(. am still hoping that i'll see him one of these days.. if not tommorow maybe the next day.. the other day.. next week or the next week.. (*sigh*).

i know he's happy right now, he's prolly enjoying every moment he spend w/ sandy, they're prollly together everyday.

my gosh.. everyday am missin him more and more.. :( am lookin forward to seeing him again. Im wondering if he's thinking of me, or if there are times that he remember me or if he's also looking forward to see me again. I guess not... he would not want to ever see me again. hayyyy..... im prayin to get over this as soon as possible... kung pwede nga lang tommorow when i wake, ma realize ko nalng na " hey am not thinking of him anymore".. i have moved on! oh well... i think this would take a while... prolly weeks... or months.. or years..

im missin him so much!!!!!!! :cry:

song playin: Officially missing You - Tamia

its been quite a while since i last posted sumthing here. well am just gald am back.

am feelin sad and blue since monday... started when makie told me that he now has a girlfriend... he's already inlove w/ somebody else... not me... anymore.... :cry: i just felt tears came rushing out from my eyes...my knees was shaking... until i decided to go to the rest restroom bec i felt like blurting out or crying out loud. i had to be excused from taking calls. good thing my supervisor understand my situation. they thought i remembered my mom. but the truth is i cannot bear the pain... of losing makie. until now i cannot accept fact that i already lost him.... thats he's already inlove w/ sandy. I am happy for him, for he has finally found someone special.... but at the same time i am hurting. I love makie so much.... prolly that's why am hurtin this much. i never did expected that he'd fall out love this soon... i was hoping that we could fix things out... i was even planning to ask him if he would want us to go out of town or go somewhere to spend time together and maybe from there we could start again. Hindi ko lam na he gave up on me na pala, noon pa. i guess it's too late.... he has already found somebody else to love... he already has sandy. :cry:

i dunno if i am to blame....if its all my fault... i cannot imagine my life w/ ou him. I really am hurting so much... :cry: :cry: :cry: i cannot bear the pain anymore.... :cry: i really am missin him so much...

bakit ganon? bakit parang ang bilis nyang makalimutan lahat? why did he gave up on us? ang mali ko lang siguro, inde ko napakita sa kanya how much he means to me... how much i have loved him... still love him... If he only knew that i wanted to be w/ him everyday... how much i wanted to see him everyday.. kahit noon pa. alam ko nasaktan ko sha.... pero bakit ganun kadali para sa kanya to forget what we had and find somebody else to love? bakit inde nya me binigyan ng chance to make up w/ him or to even explain my side? is it really all my fault? am i the one to be blamed? bakit ang dali nya kalimutan na mahal nya ko.... :cry:

I really love him that much... kung babalik sha inde ako mag dadalawang isip...nor will i have any doubts, not a single doubt, to have him back. I guess maraming magsasabe na mali or hindi dapat, but i dont really care! who the hell are they to tell what or what not to do! kaya nga me second chance eh... Hindi ako tanga.. i guess this is what you really call love. you're willing to give yourself and the person you love a second chance.. kahit na alam mo na nasaktan ka and take the risk of getting hurt again.

siguro nga its mah fault kaya i lost him.. but am still holdin' on to my feelings.. am not loosing hope... i know one of these days magkikita pa rin kame. am gonna see my baby/muffins again.but i guess am not yet ready to see him w/ sandy. hindi ko pa kya....

i am happy to know that he's happy right now... i really am.. i am happy to know that he has found someone special whom he can share his love and life w/.someone who will fill the emptiness that he had felt for avery long time. pero nasaksaktan ako... :cry:

people see me laugh and smile... but deep inside i feel like a shattered glasses. i dunno how to pull myself back together... i dunno how and where to start moving on... how to let go. i dunno were and how to pick up the broken pieces of me... am really hurting so much. i love him so much... :cry:

song playing: NASAAN- Nyoy Volante
RAIN RAIN

When to let go?

Imagine this. In your hand is a very precious creation, so fragile,
so valuable that if you keep on holding, it would either stay or
fall apart. But you loved this creature so much, so much that letting
it go would be like letting go of your life as well. So much that
sometimes you wished it would be there forever. So much that you tend to be selfish at times so as you could make it stay for as long as
you like. Don't we all wish something "so good" could be forever?
Don't we all hope that happiness is there to stay?

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone "so nice" and "almost perfect" and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person (sometimes without even realizing it). This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually guzzles our thoughts and actions to the extent that we tagged it as one of those "too good to be true" thing.

The sad part there is when we begin to realize that, this particular
person feels totally nothing but friendship. A "thing" that would be
forever a "thing" nothing more, nothing less...just a thing! You're
just a friend, And that's the fact! Then in our desperate attempt to
get closer (or at least Be noticed), our efforts are still futile and
we end up sorry for ourselves.

One person said, never ever let your heart run your life, as much as
you can, always be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Try
to listen not merely on what your feelings is invoking on you as a
person but more importantly listen to reason as well.

Letting go of someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop
loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own
happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just
setting the other person free (in the real sense of it), but it is
also setting yourself free from all animosity, revulsion, and
resentment that was long kept in your heart. You have to let go
because the bitterness often puts away the strengths and weakens the littlest hope, making our lives more miserable than ever. Worst,
presenting yourself as the "most affected one" setsthe nastiest
impression of all time--whatta a loser!

The trick there is...always remember that 'if you lose someone today,
it means that someone better is coming tomorrow.' If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love...right? Just regard it as another mismatch of heaven! Well, you can cry of course, or whine or shout (growl even) if you have to, but make sure that after those outbursts you have washed away the hurt and the bitterness that the past Has left with you (easy said than done I know!).

We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real
peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You really don't have to forget someone you love ('cause it's
hard). What we need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality
without being bitter or sorry for what we have become. I think it's
better that we give off that dedication and love to someone more
deserving. Hmmm..."Who could it be" is the next interesting question
to ponder. Let go of yesterday and love will find its wayback to you.
And when it does, pray hard that it may be the love that will stay
and last a lifetime

As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've l earned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jack
asses.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more
screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the
real pains in the ass are permanent.

Hardest Things..


a.. Being questioned when you yourself don't understand
b.. Pretending to be innocent of what you know about
c.. Trying to show you care
d.. Trying to forget something you know you NEVER will
e.. Admitting you were wrong after you have been so insistent that you were right
f.. Accepting the fact that you made a MISTAKE
g.. Debating with yourself
h.. Knowing what's wrong and what's right
i.. Growing up
j.. ACCEPTING the fact that some things are NOT meant TO BE
k.. Trying to understand when you just can't
l.. Swallowing your pride when it has become TOO HARD and TOO BIG to even gulp it down with water
m.. Being the LAST TO KNOW about something that CONCERNS you most of all
n.. Realizing that you have been TRICKED after you have given your WHOLE TRUST
o.. Realizing that you have taken the most IMPORTANT thing for granted
p.. PARTING with someone you've just LEARNED to LOVE
q.. Letting GO of someone you've LOVED ALL YOUR LIFE
r.. Losing someone you care deeply about
s.. Saying sorry when you mean it
t.. Saying how you REALLY FEEL and Explaining WHERE YOU STAND
u.. Knowing what is best and yet doing the exact opposite.
v.. Bracing yourself for the worst kind of pain... & still hurting so much.
w.. Loving someone too much and learning to love the pain that goes with it... that even if you learned to let go of the person... you still go on missing the pain you once felt (and there it goes... you fall again)
x.. Denying to yourself that you're falling... then finally you realize that indeed you have fallen when it's too damn late and you cant get out
y.. Being with someone else when the right one comes along (oooh its sad to belong...) awwwww this really hurts.....
z.. Knowing deep inside that you love someone yet you can't say it out loud

"Take chances, make mistakes. That's how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practice being brave." - Mary Tyler Moore

mood today: :P
song playin: imagination

well.. well.. well... IT's my BIRTHDAY!!!!! And i'll be so occupied with a lot of dinners and gimik's today.. whew!
It'll be a very tiring b-day for me i guess.

7pm tonight, i'll be havin a dinner w/ my friends at bubba gump, in greenbelt 3 and then after that gimick w/ my officemates at libis @ 10pm. Oh and i'll be watchin basketball after my shift today.My best budd ryan begged me to watch their game and bennet will be playing aswell so i have no choice but to watch their game! Then after that i'll have lunch w/ my family!!!

Gosh it'll be a no sleep day today!!!! I've been up since 5pm yesterday til 3am tommorow... eeerrrr... :shock:

Makie and i just had a petty fight last thursday.. heheheh... i was so upset bec i felt that i always make him feel bad/sad or whatever. I just felt like i dont deserve him or i am not worthy to have him. I turned off mah cellfone, i dont mac him anymore, i was offline, i didnt even answer his e-mails. Im so bad... hehehehe...
But we had dinner last night and we were able to fix things. Kiligzzz coz' we're like kidds holding hands while walking.. and he was so sweet that night... hehehhe :oops:

Well i'll just enjoy the rest of mah day... :D

mood today: :D
song playin: cupid

Two days from now.. it'll be my birthday... hhmmmm... i wonder what would happen on that day?????

Ofcourse am expectin' surprises!!! But am sad coz' it's my first b-day w/o my mom.... :cry: and im sad because am TURNING 23@@##!!!!! hehehe....

I'll be havin dinner w/ my friends @ bubba gump in greenbelt 3 @ 6pm and after that i'll go bar hopping w/ mah officemates. Sad to to say i wont be able to spend my day w/ makie, my special friend, coz' he's too shy to meet my friends and he has to go work at night... too bad! :( But we'll have dinner later and watch movie afterwards.

Oh well, i just hope It'll be a really happy day for me...a very special one... even w/o mom. I know she's just around.. watchin me... I hope i'll be able to see her... kahit sa dream lang.... miss her so much!!!!!

mood today: 8) just fine
song palyin': all you wanted

Here's a an e-mail sent to me by a friend.... its really nice... haaayyyy....


Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived;
Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all the others, including Love.
One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.
Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When theisland was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help.
Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said "Richness, can you take
me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of
silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautifulvessel. "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh....Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself."
Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!
Suddenly there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to
ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.
Love realizing how much he owed the elder, asked Knowledge, anotherelder. "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?"asked Love.
"But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "[u][b]Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."[/b][/u] :)